Health Inspection
by CrazyCartoonChick236
Summary: When Miss Pauling tells Medic that he has to give everyone a Health Inspection, Medic takes away everyone's beer and cigarettes! Now Heavy has to seduce him in order to get them back.


**(Hello everyone! This is my first TF2 fanfiction story! Let me just tell you a little bit about it. First of all, it's best not to take this seriously. It's just a retarded story I did for shits and giggles. Nothing more. Well. . . It's also my excuse to make a Heavy X Medic story LOL So anyways, this story contains slight language, sexual content, and gut-busting hilarity. I hope you enjoy!)**

It was a peaceful morning at RED Fort. The RED Team was lounging around in the locker room brushing their teeth, putting on cologne, and other stuff men do to get ready in the morning.

"Ah, good mornin' everyone," the Sniper yawned, standing at the sink and shaving his chin with a knife.

"There ain't nothing good about this morning," the Scout scoffed while he put on his shirt, "I can't get any sleep around here!"

Demoman chuckled. "Well, we are in the army. We can't sleep more than 6 hours, laddie," he said, putting on his boots.

"Zhat's too bad. SOME of us could use a little extra beauty sleep," Spy teased as he straightened up his tie, eying the Sniper.

"This may be a bit of a surprise to you, Pretty Boy, but lookin' nice ain't important on the battlefield," Sniper smirked.

"So, you want to die looking like a pig?"

"Rather die lookin' like a pig then a girl."

Spy glared at Sniper. "Girl? This suit cost me hundreds of dollars!"

"Alright, you two, stop yer bickerin'. You sound like a couple of children," Engineer sighed as he buttoned his overalls.

"You're one to talk about acting like children, Toymaker," Spy rolled his eyes.

Demoman grumbled, "Alright, settle down, everyone! Come on, it's 7 O' clock in the mornin'!"

"Mmmph hmmph!" Pyro agreed.

"Whatever. I have better zhings to do than to talk to your wretched flea-bags anyways," Spy grunted, "How is your morning, Soldier?"

"Don't talk to me while I'm using the urinal, Frenchie!" Soldier commanded.

After everyone was ready, they lined up as Soldier called roll. "Alright ladies, line up!" he shouted, "Okay, is Demo here?"

"Here, lad!"

"Spy?"

"Right here."

"Scout?"

"I'm right here! Are ya freaking blind?"

"Medic?"

"I am here!"

"Engineer?"

"Over here, partner!"

"Sniper?"

"Here, mate!"

"Pyro?"

"Hurr durr!"

"Heavy?"

There was no answer.

"Heavy? Heavy?! Where is that Commie?"

"Did he even get up zhis morning?" Spy sighed.

"Oh, come ON! That lard-ass gets to sleep in, but I have to get up before the sun does?!" Scout complained.

"Ugh, can someone go get him?" Soldier groaned.

"I'll do it! Man, am I gonna beat some sense into him!" Scout said as he ran back to the room where they all slept. He went over to Heavy's cot. But Heavy was not there.

"Well, is he awake?" Soldier called out.

"He's not even in bed!" Scout answered, "He's not here!"

"What?! Everyone spread out and find him!"

Demoman looked under his cot. "He's not under here!"

Spy checked in the kitchen. "Surprisingly, zhe giant gorilla man is not here eizher. . ."

Soldier checked under his helmet. "Dammit! Where is he?!"

After many hours of searching, no one had been able to find the Heavy. Not even in the bathroom, which was a place where he loved to go.

"Who knew such a big fella could be so bloody hard to find?" Sniper said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"He must've used Spy's invisible thingy majig to hide or something!" announced Scout.

Spy sighed and facepalmed. "It's a Cloaking Device, you imbecile."

While everyone was groaning and complaining about how they weren't able to find their friend, Medic walked over to the Ammunition Supply Room. He opened the door and saw Heavy sitting there. Heavy was cleaning his mini-gun with a cloth. "I zhought I'd find you in here!" Medic chuckled, shaking his head.

Heavy looked up at Medic and whimpered, "Do not hurt me, Doktor! I vas just cleaning Sascha!"

Medic frowned. "Hurt you? Vhy vould I hurt you, mein liebling?"

Suddenly, Soldier walked over and shouted, "Heavy! THERE you are! Why didn't you show up at roll call?!"

"I-I vas hiding!"

"Hiding? What were you hiding from?" Soldier asked.

"Hiding from Medic!"

"But vhy, Heavy? Vhy vould you hide from me?" Medic asked softly.

Heavy started, "Because today is. . . . Today is. . ."

"What? What's today?! ANSWER ME MAGGOT!" Soldier urged.

"TODAY IS HEALTH INSPECTION!" Heavy blurted out.

Everyone heard him yell. They all started running around, screaming, and freaking out like little babies.

The Medic laughed and said, "Ah, yes! I almost forgot! Miss Pauling told me zhat I had to give everyone a check up!"

"AUUUGH HEALTH INSPECTION! EVERYONE RUN FOR THEIR LIVES!" Soldier screamed as he and everyone else ran into the bomb shelter and locked the door.

"Don't vorry! It von't hurt! All I vill do is take your temperature and stuff!" Medic said reassuringly.

No one came out of the bomb shelter. They kept the door tightly locked to avoid the dreadful health inspection.

Medic sighed and called out, "I vill give everyone free lolli-pops aftervards!"

Everyone stormed out all at once and herded into Medic's office. They all sat in chairs that were in a line and facing Medic's desk.

After doing numerous tests on the RED Team, Medic looked through the results on his clipboard. He shifted his glasses and said, "Alright, everyone. I have zhe results ready for you. I vill tell you your scores one by one." He got up and walked towards Soldier, who was in the first chair.

"How am I, doc? Give it to me straight!" Soldier pleaded.

"Don't vorry. You did quite vell. Very healzhy!" Medic said with a smile. "But I am afraid you have a slight case of strep zhroat."

"Strep throat? Hey, that's not so bad!"

"Oh, but it could be vorse! You must rest your voice! Try not to talk as much and don't yell!"

"Don't yell? But what will the team do without my yelling?"

"I'm sure your team vill be fine vithout your noise, Soldier. NEXT PATIENT!" Medic then walked over to Spy. "Spy, your score vas not so good."

"Not good? What's wrong?" Spy asked with concern in his eyes.

"It's your lungs. You need to stop smoking. If you don't, zhen you vill most likely die."

"But-"

"NEXT PATIENT!" Medic then walked towards Scout.

"No need to say anything, doc! I already know I'm healthy as can be!" Scout bragged.

"Uh, actually you did not do very good, eizher, I'm afraid."

Scout looked at Medic with a weird face. "What? What do ya mean?!"

"Your heart rate is higher zhan anyone else's! I zhink it has somezhing to do vith all of zhe Bonk energy drinks you drink."

"That's a load of crap! Those energy drinks give me my super-fast speed! They're nothing but good for me!"

"Zhat is true, but you drink so many each day. Zhe amount of sugar and carbohydrates in one can is enough to power a machine!" Medic stated, "So no more for you!"

"But-"

"NEXT PATIENT!" Medic went over to the next chair, which had Pyro sitting in it.

"Mmmph mrrph mmerph hmmph?"

"No, Pyro. I am not amputating on you. You did very good! Healzhy as can be!"

"Mmmph hrrmmph!"

"Except zhat you have prostate cancer." Medic said abruptly.

"Mrrp-"

"NEXT PATIENT!"

Next was Sniper. "So, how'd I do, doc?"

"Vell, according to your urine samples, you did horribly."

Sniper sighed, "Alright. What do I need to do?"

"You need to have better hygiene. Shower every day, brush your teezh after every meal, and move out of zhat filzhy van you call a home! If you don't, zhere vill be dire consequences." The Doktor commanded.

"But-"

"NEXT PATIENT!" The Medic went over to the next patient, Demoman.

Demoman rolled his eyes. "Let me jus' take a wild guess here and say that I need to quit drinkin'."

"Exactly. Your liver isn't functioning properly and half of your brain cells have died."

"Shite. I was afraid o' that."

"Right. Sorry about zhat, Demoman. But I am a Doktor and I know best."

"But-"

"NEXT PATIENT!"

"Howdy, doc. You find anythin' wrong with me?" Engineer asked cheerfully.

"Vell, zhe symptoms you described to me show zhat you may have some. . . veird. . . disease type of zhing. I don't really know. You might die from it or somezhing. But I vouldn't vorry about it!"

"But-"

"NEXT PATIENT!" Medic walked over to the next and last patient, his beloved Heavy.

"Hi, Doktor!" Heavy greeted.

"Hello, herr Heavy!" Medic said in a girly-ish voice, "According to your chart-"

"Vhen do ve get lolli-pops?!"

". . . . According to your chart, you may have a slight veight problem."

"Vhat does Doktor mean by dat?" Heavy asked curiously.

"You veigh 400 pounds, Heavy. Zhat's more zhan me and Soldier put togezher."

Heavy crossed his arms. "And dat is problem?"

"Heavy, I love you just zhe vay you are," Medic sighed, "but being obese is not healzhy and I vant you to live past 40. So, I'm putting you on a diet. No more sandviches for a vhile."

Heavy's heart snapped. "But-"

"HEALZH INSPECTION IS OVER!" Medic shouted. He stood at the door of his office and held a bowl of lolli-pops for everyone to grab when they leave. Heavy was the last one to leave, and when he reached out for one, Medic quickly pulled the bowl away.

"VHAT DA HELL, MEDIC?!" Heavy asked angrily, wondering why he was not sucking on a nice grape flavored lolli-pop.

The Medic shook his head. "Nein! You are on a diet, remember? No lolli-pops for you, eizher!"

Heavy frowned and sadly slumped out of Medic's office. As he left, Medic smirked and deliberately slapped Heavy's chunky ass.

Everyone was hanging out in the locker room again, licking on their lollies and talking about their results from the inspection.

"I can't believe I have ta give up drinkin'! I've been an alcoholic ever since I was 9 years old!" Demoman spat.

"That crazy quack doesn't know anything about medicine! What does my hygiene have to do with my bloody health?" Sniper asked furiously, "Besides, I'm fine! I don't have to improve on my hygienic routine!"

"Yes you do, Sniper," Soldier sighed, "You smell like crap."

Spy shook his head and got out his cigarettes. "Eh, why should we do what he says, anyways? I mean, does he really zhink I'm going to give up smoking?" He lit one and lifted it to his mouth.

At that moment, a turret lowered from the ceiling and aimed a laser at Spy's forehead. Luckily, Spy ducked before the laser hit him.

Scout stared at the turret fearfully and said, "THAT'S why we have to do what he says!"

"Well," Soldier chuckled nervously, "I'm sure we can survive without our addictions for a while, right? I-I can totally stop yelling and Spy can stop being French! Sound like a plan, gang?"

"Stop being French?" Spy questioned.

Soldier continued, "Yeah, and Heavy can stop being Russian! And Demo can stop being Scottish! And Sniper can stop being Australian! And Pyro can stop being. . . . aw hell I don't know-"

"Anyways, lads!" Demoman interrupted, "It might not sound fun at first, but if our addictions are gonna cost us our lives, then what's the bloody point? We can quit smoking an' drinking an' all that other stuff because we are MEN! And we're not gonna let that crap ruin our lives!"

Everyone clapped and cheered, encouraged by Demoman's retarded speech. They then made a vow to break their addictions and get their lives back on track. Nothing was going to stop them on their journey.

1 week later:

Heavy woke up one morning, seeing that everyone else was not sleeping on top of him. Heavy had eaten all of the cots because he was tired of eating nothing but salads and cardboard on his diet. And since no one had a place to sleep, they all just used the Heavy as a giant bed. But everyone was up now, looking completely miserable without their stuff.

Spy was cradled up in a corner, rocking back and forth and sucking his thumb. During the past week, he had been rubbing sticks together to try to make a fire. Then he'd get some toilet paper and some potted plants and try to smoke that. But they always left him unsatisfied, as he did not get high.

Scout was walking around the room, mumbling to himself. He was drowsy and completely drained of life. He just didn't have the energy to run or do anything anymore. He hasn't even insulted anyone yet.

Pyro was shoved into a locker about 2 days before. He had died from his cancer, but no one really noticed or cared. They would've just left him there in a corner, but he was beginning to smell and worms and maggots were crawling in and out of his mask.

Soldier was sitting smack dab in the middle of the room, doing absolutely nothing. Since he couldn't yell, he just decided to wrap duct tape around his head and not talk at all. He hadn't moved for days.

Engineer's strange and unidentified disease had transformed him into an armadillo.

Demoman was in a deep fit of depression from being separated from his alcohol. He would quietly sob from time to time and get violent with everyone else. He almost broke Heavy's massive arm out of rage and sadness.

Sniper was frustrated from being forced to constantly shower and brush. He was also forced to wear fancy suits and comb his hair neatly. But everyone was around him more because he smelled a lot better. Spy even thought he looked quite handsome, and became attracted to him.

Medic had locked them into the base so that they couldn't leave and go do something they weren't supposed to. He also had cameras set up everywhere to watch their every move. It was a living Hell for the RED Team.

Heavy stood up and scratched his ass, which still hurt from Medic slapping it with his firm, German hand. He went over to Soldier and searched him to see if he had any food.

Soldier had no food on him. Heavy sighed and went over to sit next to Spy and Sniper, who were giggling and chatting up a freaking storm. "Hello," he greeted grimly.

"Hey, Heavy. How'd ya sleep, big guy?" Soldier waved.

"I sleep okay. You?"

"I slept great! You make a great bed!"

"Yes, I agree. Even zhough it is disgusting to sleep on top of you." Spy said.

"Thank you," Heavy thanked.

Sniper sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "So. . . how are you holdin' up?"

Heavy was silent for a moment, then answered, "I am still living."

"Right," Sniper nodded.

Armadillo Engie walked over and sat next to Spy. "Howdy, Spy!"

"Please, don't talk to me, Armadillo Engie. You're really weird." Spy shuddered.

Armadillo Engie shrugged and started munching on a bug, which made Spy throw up a little.

Demoman was a couple feet away, whining and crying about how he couldn't take it anymore. Scout, who looked like a vampire had sucked all of the life out of him, tripped over his own feet and fell to the ground. And Soldier was still sitting there, not moving a muscle.

"I do not like dis," Heavy sighed, looking at all of his pathetic comrades.

"I don't like it either, mate. I've been trying to come up with a plan to get outta here for days, but I can't think of anything." Sniper explained.

"Could Spy turn invisible and walk past security?" Heavy asked.

"No. Medic took away all of my awesome gadgets, along wizh my Cloaking Device," Spy groaned.

"There are cameras around every bloody corner! I can't even piss without being spied on!" Sniper shouted.

"I might be able to hack them cameras, but I'm a dang blasted armadillo. . ." Armadillo Engie said sadly.

"I can break tiny baby cameras!" Heavy yelled out encouragingly, "They are no match for me!"

Spy rolled his eyes and sighed. "You've been trying to break zhem all week, you simple-minded fool. Zhey CAN'T be broken. Zhey're custom-made Mann Co. cameras!"

Heavy frowned and looked down at the floor. "Is there no vay out, then?"

"I'm afraid not," said the Spy, "Zhat is, unless, someone comes up with a good pl-"

Suddenly, Soldier ripped off his duct-tape mask thingy and jumped up. He ran towards Heavy, shouted as loud as he could, and jumped on him. Then he grabbed his shoulders and shook him violently. "IHAVEAPLANIHAVEAPLANIHAVEAPLAN!"

"Whoa, calm yerself, Soldier!" Armadillo Engie said, "What're ya saying?"

Soldier took deep breaths and looked at everyone else. "I have a plan to get out of here!"

The RED Team gasped and sat down in front of Soldier like a bunch of little kids at story time. Soldier randomly pulled a sketchbook out of his back pocket and pointed at it with a big stick. "OK, this square here is Medic's office! And this circle is us! We need to get over to the square!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Demoman shouted.

"Shush. ANYWAYS, who is the person that Medic trusts the most?" Soldier asked.

Everyone sat silent, pondering for an answer. They came up with nothing.

Soldier glared at them. "Anyone?"

Spy raised his hand. "Um. . . is it Engie?"

"NO!" Soldier yelled, "IT'S HEAVY!"

"Ohhhhh. . ." everyone sighed.

"Okay, so what in the bloody hell does this have to do with us getting' outta here?" Sniper asked sarcastically.

Soldier smiled and pointed at the sketchbook again. "Since Heavy is the only one that Medic trusts around here, Heavy will go up to Medic's office, get out stuff back, and shut down the defenses!"

"Not bad plan. But vhat do I do to achieve this goal?" Heavy asked suspiciously.

"Ah, that part's easy!" Soldier exclaimed, "With your sexy Russian charms, you will seduce him into doing whatever you want! Then, while you two are doing the Horizontal Monster Mash, we can smoke and drink to our hearts' content! We could even bring hookers!"

"YEAH!" everyone cheered, except for Heavy.

Heavy had a blank expression on his face. "Vhat?

"Don't worry, Heavy! We could get male hookers, too!" said Soldier as he shoved Heavy into the hallway, "Now make us proud, you brave sack of foreign cuisine!"

Heavy just stood there as Soldier slammed the door to the room. He banged on the door and shouted, "Does Heavy not get say in this?!" After not getting an answer, Heavy trudged down the hallways of RED Fort.

After about 5 minutes, he got to Medic's office. He gulped, held up his fist, and knocked on the door. When he knocked, two large cameras dropped from the ceiling and surveyed him. Then, the speaker thingy next to the door let out a screechy, static voice. "Who is zhere?"

"Heavy is here!" Heavy said into the speaker thingy. Then the cameras lifter back up into the ceiling.

"Oh, hello Heavy! Nice to see you! Come on in!" said the speaker thingy. Then the door clicked and Heavy was able to go inside.

Medic was sitting at his desk with his feet propped up on it. He looked up at Heavy and smiled widely. "Sit down, herr Heavy," he said, pointing to an extra chair on the opposite side of the desk.

Heavy sat down in the chair and looked at Medic. "Uh. . . hello, Medic."

"Hello, my love," Medic said, his head resting on his hands with a wistful look on his face, "I've missed you."

"Yes. Er, me too!" Heavy said nervously.

Medic took Heavy's hand from across the table and rubbed it. "So. . . vhy did you come over?"

"Just to talk," Heavy said blankly, sweat dripping down his face.

"Just to talk?" Medic smirked, "Zhat sounds a little boring."

Heavy looked at the door, thinking about running away from this uncomfortable situation. But he remembered his mission and didn't move.

"Heavy, is something wrong?" Medic asked, "You look nervous."

"Uhhh. . ." Heavy didn't know much about seduction, but he watches a lot of chick flicks with Medic on weekends so he understands a little.

He got an idea. He got a pen from Medic's desk and chucked it across the room. He threw it so hard that it got stuck in the wall. Heavy sighed and got the pen from the wall and dropped it on the floor.

"Oh no," Heavy said vacantly, "I accidentally drop pen. I vill bend over and get it." He turned his back to Medic and tried to bend over and pick it up, making sure that Medic could see his big butt. But Heavy couldn't bend over because his massive stomach was in the way. He didn't look sexy. He looked like an idiot.

Medic stood up. "Do you need help, my big Haustier?"

"No! I got it!" Heavy grunted and tried to get the pen. After a few more minutes, he gave up and sat back down. "I vill get it later."

Medic smiled and giggled like a dork. "How have you been zhis past week, Heavy?"

"Vell, under circumstances. . . pretty good," Heavy answered as he thought up another plan to seduce Medic.

"Right. . ." Medic sighed, "Sorry about locking you guys up like zhat. I'm just trying to do mein job."

"I know," Heavy said, still pondering.

Then he finally came up with something. "Oh boy, it is so hot in here." He started to take off his vest thingy and pulled it over his head. But it got stuck and it wouldn't come off.

"Um, Heavy. . . do you need any help getting zhat off?"

"No!" Heavy stood up and wriggled around the room like a retard trying to get it off. After a while he fell down and finally gave in. "Doktor?"

"Yes, mein Heavy?"

". . . . . Help me."

Medic got up and helped Heavy get off his vest and tossed it on a countertop. He patted him on his bald head and cooed, "Zhere you go, sveetie!"

Heavy pouted. "I am no baby."

"I know you're not a baby. You're mein big strong man!" Medic said, hugging Heavy's muscular arm.

"Yes," Heavy agreed, "Could I use phone?"

"Of course you can!" Medic handed him a stupid hand-dial telephone to use.

Heavy dialed in a number and waited for Soldier to pick up.

"_Hello_?" said Soldier from the other line.

"Soldier, it is Heavy. I cannot seduce Medic!"

"_WHAT? Did you show him your ass?_"

"Yes!"

"_Did you take off your vest?_"

"Yes!"

"_Oh man. . . Don't worry, Heavy! I'm a MASTER with seducing! That's how I got the Announcer to make me the leader of the Team!_"

"Vhat do I do now?"

"_Tell him he's sexy. You don't have to mean it. As long as it sound like you do, you're fine! Then get some champagne and watch a scary monster movie. He'll grapple onto you like a rock climbing wall! And when you get into bed, get a grenade-_"

"I need something simple!"

"_. . . . Fine. Give him a bunch of compliments and he'll literally throw himself into your pants- I mean your arms. Don't fail me or you'll banned from the bathroom for a month! Got it?_"

Heavy gulped. He did NOT wanna be banned from the bathroom. "Y-Yes! I vill do good!"

Soldier hung up and Heavy gave the phone back to Medic. "Who did you call, Hoovy?" Medic asked.

"Oh uh. . ." Heavy tried to think of something clever, but since he's a complete doofus, he thought of something stupid. "I vas just calling Mayor to tell him you are beautiful!"

Medic gave Heavy a pokerface. "Right. . ." He went to go sit back down at his desk.

_Damn. I fail. Stop acting dumb, Heavy! You must do this for RED Team! AND FOR BATHROOM! _Heavy thought to himself. He got his chair and put it next to Medic's chair and sat down. "Hello Doktor!"

"Hello, Heavy," Medic said as he read a book.

"Vhat is Doktor reading?"

"Oh nozhing. Just a book on. . . . gorillas."

Heavy looked closer at Medic's book. "Dat is catalog for baby clothes. Vhy are you looking at those?"

"N-NO REASON!" Medic threw the catalog into a desk drawer and slammed it shut.

"Okay. . . Heavy said suspiciously. He tried to think of a compliment for the Medic. "Uh, you are good Doktor!"

Medic smiled. "Zhank you!"

"And you smell good!"

"Vhy, zhat is very sveet of you to say!"

"And your hair feels good between my toes!"

"Oh stop it! You are making me blush!"

"And um. . . . uh-"

Medic held a finger to Heavy's lips and shushed him. "No need to say anymore, mein liebling. I am fully charged."

So Heavy was successful in seducing Medic. The reason why he did it so fast was because I was too damn lazy to think up of anything else. So after Heavy and Medic "hopped on the good book and did the bad thing" Heavy got everyone's stuff back and shut down the defences. And all life was good on the RED Team.

After the story:

Soldier lost his voice due to yelling so much. Since he could no longer talk, he moved to France, got a job as a mime, and married the French Queen of Frenchiness.

Pyro came back as a zombie and asexually reproduced more zombies. With the help of his zombie children, Pyro built a time-machine and went into the year 4000 AD and took over the world.

Demoman's drank too much and has no more brains left. He just dribbles and flops around the place now. He also has uncontrollable bowel movement.

Sniper died of leprosy from not showering. He was also dumped by Spy.

Spy nearly lost his life to lung cancer. He now has to take oxygen and wear wigs and a scarf everywhere he goes.

Scout had a heart attack and transformed into a rocket. He vowed to use his powers to rid the world of Math textbooks.

Armadillo Engie remained an armadillo.

Heavy and Medic eventually got married and moved to Canada. But it turned out that Medic was man pregnant so Heavy left him out of fear of responsibility.

THE END?

. . . . . . .

Yeah, it's THE END.


End file.
